V 1 N. 16 Why I Choose Not To Go Into Outer Space

 

I posted the following essay  on FB a few months ago when there was concern for three astronauts having to remain in the International Space Station much longer than initially planned.   I was relieved that they eventually made it home safely.    Now with the Artemis II mission completed and having gotten 4% further into space than man/woman has ever travelled, and with the latest news about some incredible physical feats performed by robots, I am beginning to think that few if any humans will travel a lot further into space.  A four percent improvement?  And that was just a return trip around the nearest relatively stationery object out there.  The next stopping point Mars is a much longer way to go.  And who wants to spend six months on the moon mining zinc or some other element we are short of down on earth?  Mining is one of the crappiest jobs ever invented by man.   So here is my personal reason for not wanting to be up there.  

Why I Choose Not to Go Into Outer Space

George Brose

After much consideration I have found a number of reasons why I would not like to be riding in the International Space Station (ISS) now or ever. The reason is not that it is high up above the Earth and there is some risk involved in going there and returning as witnessed by the current pair of astronauts who are scheduled to come back down to earth tonight. I really hope they make it, because they have been stuck there for nine months on what was supposed to be a 10 day stay. Thanks to foul ups by Space X whose principal owner I won’t mention but I’m sure you know who I am referring to because of his current earthly mission to demolish the US government and it’s agencies in the name of waste. That’s the word I was leading to and it came so easily during this introduction. WASTE !!!

It’s human waste that concerns me dear readers. I have inquired as to how much human waste an adult creates over time. In a year an average size human produces about 300 pounds of turds. Nine months, okay about 230 pounds times two adults, that’s 460 pounds. And let’s not forget about all that toilet paper. There’s really not much they can do with it other than dump it into space. Did I say ‘dump’ as in ‘take a dump’ and shove it out the hatch? Yes, I said that. Apparently that shit bag descends back to earth and burns up in the atmosphere. So that shooting star you thought you saw last night might really have been ‘shooting night soil’. And maybe the tail of that comet was a stream of butt wipes. Think about that you star crossed lovers.

That’s the big part but there’s more. What about urine? Yeah, piss. Well, in the interest of water conservation the ISS has a system to separate the water out of the piss and bottle it for reuse. So if you are up there with a couple of other astronauts you might find yourself engrossed in the game, “Guess Whose Pee Pee We’re Drinking Tonight?” Or “I’m washing in your piss, and I feel clean”. Really this has got me thinking hard about never going up in one of those tight little capsules.

Next. How can two people stand to be locked up in a tight compartment together while their families are down on earth going about their daily tasks? And those astronauts didn’t even commit a crime to be locked up together in such cramped quarters for 9 months. Maybe San Quentin was an early source of information for NASA planners. There must be a lot of pre launch practice living together in isolation to test compatibility. Now according to the latest news release it appears that six more astronauts in blue jump suits have joined the ISS and there were also another two in red costumes. I don’t know who the hell they were, but I’m guessing they are Ruskkies. Actually it is four people who will be returning. A Ruskkie and another American who have not been there so long will also be coming home tonight. That’s eleven people including the four who are about to go home all sharing that space for a day or two. Then they will be down to seven.

My next question, and I’m sure it is one that all of you have thought about but were afraid to ask. What happens if someone farts, has bad body odor, pukes, or wets her or his knickers or god forbid gets a bad case of the runs. There’s only one toilet facility, and it has been described as having some kind of a suction device that draws matter out of the lower colon. The pee pee tube is a separate device. But we all know that sometimes there is no control over which orifice is going to be functioning and when, and maybe both simultaneously, and what if there are three astronauts in line all wanting to go at the same time, and one of them just can’t hold it any longer. I mean back down on earth there is a back door to the Alamo or a second bathroom. Or you can run out in the garden, drop trou, and fertilize the watermelon patch, but in outer space you can only do that once and you are dead.

Other reading has indicated that washing clothing is not easy in the ISS. And that body odor stays on the clothing as we all know. What do you think those six new astronauts smelled when they got into that reception room where the lucky two had been sharing body odors for the past 9 months as well as the two more recently arrived? There are smiles on everyone’s faces, because they probably knew each other and trained together for a long time down on earth, and were friends, but really was wearing each other’s dirty underwear and clothing part of the training? If not, maybe it should be.

Now for the serious piece, and I’m talking safety and fire hazard. We must go back to the fart situation. Farts as we all know, or should know are made up of methane and other gases depending on what one has been ingesting. When sulphur becomes part of the menu it is gas mask time. But the real danger is fire. That methane can be explosive, and if ten astronauts should get into a fart contest it could prove the undoing of the whole mission as the gaseous mixture might ignite and blow the hatches off the capsule, and that would be it. Kaput, Dasvidaniya, Arrivederci, Wiedersehen, Ciao Baby.

Before I end this drivel, let us also consider science. We are told that the astronauts have hundreds of experiments to perform while they are in the capsule, they also have repairs to make and someone must be responsible to see that the station is maintaining it’s orbit and doesn’t descend into a sea of turds burning up in that shit sack it has jettisoned earlier in the flight. I can’t imagine that they will allow that bag to build up too big with all seven of those dudes sharing the quarters. Did I say dudes? Sorry, young men and women. Virile men, and rapacious, vibrant females of the species. Ah species. How will we maintain the species for those later missions into deep space that the billionaires down on earth all speculate drool and send celebrities on for short publicity trips? Why, we all know that procreation needs to become an experiment up there. If the male/female pair lasted up there for 9 months, they could have procreated and returned to earth with a little bundle of joy. The first baby made and delivered in space. Alas, all that time was wasted. If they do have spouses back on earth, those earthlings must be wondering if any hanky panky is part of the hundreds of experiments to be performed. Earth to ISS, “Darling, I dream of you every night.” ISS to Earth, Darling, I have ten sunsets every twenty-four hours. I just can’t dream that much.” If this group can maintain self control, or NASA sent along some old Penthouse magazines in the duffel bags, chastity may be maintained. If not…, we shall just have to wait and observe and find out. Right now it’s two guys for every girl. Sounds like an old Beach Boys song.

COMMENTS:

So far only this from a good friend. Otherwise I would not have printed it.

First, I need to question your information.  Three hundred pounds of excrement seems low.  How have scientists determined that number?  I have a 57 pound incontinent dog (video "A Leap of Faith, Toby's Rescue Story") who far surpasses that.  This is hands on statistical fact as measured by starting my day on hands and knees picking up his overnight elimination efforts.  Before my coffee I collect the paper towels, covered container and disinfectant spray and pick up poop.  His elimination pattern is mobile so I crawl from poop to poop, picking, storing, spraying, wiping.  This is done naked, the way I sleep.  (Yes, more information than you need.)  Toby's usual pattern is to poop at 8 or 9 in the evening and again in the morning hours and makes vital the use of a flashlight on my two nightly bathroom trips.  In the warmer weather he can be outside at night.  My estimate is that he is inside 300 nights yearly.  A rough estimate of PPN (poops per night) is 7 (14 two nights ago).  Multiply 7 x 300 x 9 2/3 years (length of time I've owned him) and we come  up with more than 20,000 poops.  Have scientists had that much hands on experience?  I think not.  

How has this extensive study benefited future space flights?  In a word, NaturVet, an anti-diarrhea product that produces golf ball intense elimination.  With sufficient mixed in the astronauts' diet, poops can be used recreationally for activities such as corn hole, basket shooting or just playing catch.

Happy to help. Roy

After reading this report from 'friend' Roy, it came to me, didn't the Russkies put a dog into space back in the good old days of space exploration?   Indeed they did, remember old 'Laika'?   If not, here's her story as provided by the Smithsonian Magazine.

Laika    link